Yet another miscarriage after 6 years of trying
by Pamela Robertson
Well, I'm sitting here alone at my computer going through my 15th miscarriage after 6 years of trying for a family. My husband and I were told the devastating news yesterday when my scan showed 'nothing'. I really feel like I can't go on like this anymore.
My 1st miscarriage happened after 2 years of trying to start our family. I remember it as though it were yesterday. I was very happily shopping for the first of our baby things at 13 weeks + of pregnancy but as soon as I stepped out of Mothercare with my baby change mat, that my grandmother in law had bought, I felt an awful rush of blood and pain. I had to run to a Marks and Spenser public toilet. It never occurred to me that I was about to lose my little one in this tiny cramped cubicle with bickering teenage girls outside my stall door but thats what happened. I was 50 miles from home, sitting in a blood filled cubicle with my little one laying in a bundle of tissues beside me and I had no clue what to do next. I ended up cleaning the cubicle the best I could, wrapped those tiny fingers and toes up and placed it, along with my heart, into a sanitary bin. I'll always hate myself for not taking a bag of shopping into that stall with me. It would have been a small comfort but better if I could have burried our little one.
So 4 years, almost to the date, here we go again. There have been 2 years of fertility testing and probably every procedure you can think of has already been performed. My doctor, Gyno and countless Midwifes have no explanation as to why I can't seem to maintain a pregnancy. 'Just keep trying' and 'It will happen'... That just doesn't work for me anymore. Maybe I just have to face the fact that I'm not meant for motherhood. How do I tell my husband that I can't keep going like this? I feel a pain in my heart and it's not going away.
I guess in the end, the best we can do is try to help others having a difficult time or at the very least just lend a sympathetic ear (or in our case eyes) and pray that one day, yes one day we'll share the joy of raising that beautiful family we've all been dreaming of.
My thoughts are with you all and every story brings another of the endless tears that have been shed overy the years. All it takes is one good year.